Many years ago, Bay and I sat with a seasoned youth pastor over lunch. He was a gentleman greatly respected in the field. I don’t remember what brought up the topic, but we entered a conversation about friendships, and he introduced to us the concept that as Christians, we are to “be friendly with everyone, but befriend selectively.” This godly mentor reminded us that as a side-bar to the story of the rich young ruler in the New Testament, Jesus let the man walk away. He didn’t chase him down; he didn’t run after him, and beg, “Now, wait a minute, we can still be good friends…” He also reminded us of the passage in Corinthians that instructs, “Don’t be misled, bad company ruins good morals (1 Cor 15:33).” This required a little paradigm shift in my thinking – I thought it was a good thing, as in a godly thing, to make friendships inclusively. Yet, from the passages of Scripture above, this is far from true. Caution is required lest we be led astray (Proverbs 12:26), or find our character maligned (1 Cor. 15:33). Choosing carefully is protective.
When I ran across the Proverbs 12 passage a little over a week ago in my search for God’s Word on friendship, it made me pause again, and remember friends, especially friends in the intimate, inner circle, are chosen carefully. The word literally means to “spy them out.” I found that not only interesting, but a little humorous when my mind started to picture a Sherlock Holmes character stalking a person-of-interest as a would-be-buddy.
Clearing my brain of that image, I recalled that Psalm 1 gives us some good instruction on where to not look for friends:
“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers…(1)”
When we’re exploring potential “if-the-Lord’s-the-Lord-of-them” friends, we quickly rule out: the wicked, sinners, and scoffers. I gotta tell you, if this weren’t in the Scriptures, I would rather struggle with this whole concept. However, it’s there, and the question that arises is this: how do I identify these folks? I’ve done a little research. This week, we’ll spy on “the wicked.”
Basically, the “wicked” refers to someone who is “morally wrong;” but, in order to get a full picture of the kind of person the Psalmist was referring, we have to follow the bread trail set out for us through Scripture. That’s what I spent several mornings doing this week. Here’s what I found in Proverbs (primarily chapters 4, 6, 15, 16) as a common theme started to emerge. The “wicked” have a vocal problem. They are “whisperers.” Their “mouth pours out evil things.” They “sow discord.” Their speech is “crooked” and “devious;” and, they find it difficult to sleep until they have caused someone else to “fall, stumble, or be cast down.” Typically, people like this have been deeply hurt. Remember the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” They do. It doesn’t make what they do right. It doesn’t justify their behavior. In fact, if anything, we all have to take ownership for our bad behavior. However, they don’t. Their pattern of life is to “bring another low” by the way they talk about “friends” and acquaintances-usually, behind their backs. It’s their way of trying to “lift themselves up” out of insecurity and pain. I get that; but, people like this make terrible friends. Bottom line, they can’t be trusted. If they “whisper” about someone else, they are undoubtedly back-stabbing me, too; and, here’s the bottom line:
A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
Proverbs 16:28
Listen carefully before choosing your friends. What do you hear? It will tell you a lot about their character, and the road they walk. There may be some, like these, whose path you want to avoid as a way of life.
More importantly, if someone is paying attention to me, what would they hear? Am I an “if-the-Lord’s-the-Lord-of-them” kind of friend? Would my way be worthy of linking arms and walking alongside?