I really dislike conflict. Of.Any.Kind. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding it. It’s been my mindset that conflict is bad, and it’s better to just walk away from engaging in any shade, or color, of discord. This comes naturally; and any kind of personality test, or strength’s finder, ranks me high on a scale for harmony. Yet, if there is any great joy-robber in my life, any kind of disagreement would be IT (yes, with a capital “I” and a capital “T”)! It’s taken a lot of years (A LOT OF YEARS!), but I’m beginning to recognize that if I want fulness of joy, then as much as it depends on me, I must stare conflict in the face, and learn how to do battle in a healthy, kind, and loving manner. No more letting it go. No more walking away and stuffing concerns. No more wondering what someone meant by something they said and building up misperceptions in my mind. It’s better to lay the cards on the table, have a crucial conversation, see the whole picture, and understand the path of action that brought about the disconnect. I still dislike conflict, but the end of the matter clears the air and allows for clarity…..and, yes, JOY!
Besides all of the above, dealing with conflict, pursuing peace, and ultimately, finding JOY is biblical. Imagine that! As I’ve gone verse by verse through a concordance looking up verses with the word “joy” and “rejoice,” I found this verse:
Then there’s this (from the mouth of Jesus):
And, one final verse (from the Apostle Paul):
Several things jump out at me from these verses, but probably there are two “biggies.” The first is that peace must be planned. Finding Shalom (Hebrew word for peace) is an intentional action on our part; and we must strive to make it happen. Most of my life, I’ve been a peace-faker. For the sake of all things harmonious, I will walk away if conflict rears its ugly head in any fashion. All that results is internal chaos within me. I’m the one that suffers from peace-faking.
However, I’ve also been a peace-breaker. I never realized it, until I started breaking down the words in the Proverbs passage. As I unpacked the words “devise evil,” I discovered something that shocked me. The word “devise” has with it the idea of holding something to secrecy, to remain silent. So, those two words (along with fabricating and plotting a plan for causing trouble and pain) could, literally, mean “to remain silent in the face of adversity, affliction, sorrow, trouble, or wrong-doing.”
A peace-maker thinks through what needs to happen to bring about a settled mind and heart in relationship. A peace-maker does not stay silent. A Shalom-maker pursues that which will lead to friendship and tranquility…at all costs…for the sake of The Other’s welfare, yes, but also for my-own-sake.
With this said, a couple weeks back, I had opportunity to put this into practice (actually, before I’d even read this verse). I had opportunity to sit and clarify a relationship that, perhaps, has needed some deeper-level understanding for sometime. It was one of those situations where there was too much “water under the bridge” as far as time spent together in relationship to let things go, and risk losing a dear and precious friendship. I asked for a face-to-face time over coffee at a convenient, un-rushed time. I even made a plan…thought it through…wrote down what I wanted to say ahead of time, so that emotion wouldn’t get the best of me. I recognized the importance of providing safety…so I tried to list all the things I needed to “own” – those things I knew I might need to apologize for that could have caused any breech in relationship. This I did. When I finished, I even asked if there were more things that I was oblivious to and needed to consider. The conversation was healthy, non-judgmental, good, and strengthening. Many things were clarified…many misperceptions uncovered…and restoration renewed. Expectations were re-defined, since we are in a different season of relationship. A mutual sense of direction established. More importantly, I’m no longer wondering what’s going on in my friend’s mind. I’m no longer making up stories about what might be a problem, or might not be. Even more importantly, JOY is full…
Little by little the Lord is transforming me (just as He promises) into a Shalom-maker. I certainly have not arrived. Yet, I see, once again, that God’s way is perfect…and filled with JOY. The road He wants us to follow will always lead us to that end.
***Take note. Remember you can only do what you can do. Not every “friend” wants to invest in relationship enough to engage in healthy conflict. Sometimes they are “stuck” in a peace-faking/peace-breaking cycle of operandi. Sometimes, when that’s the case, we have to settle with doing all we can do, and then trust the Lord with The Other. We can’t fix. We can’t force. We can’t make happen. Only God can change a heart…if that heart has not hardened so much that they no longer can hear His voice. If that’s the case, the relationship is too toxic to invest in anyway. If that’s the case, we learn to love from a distance, and pray… Even then, because we trust in a Sovereign God, who works out all things in His time…we will still find JOY.
